This Too Is The Path: Chapter 5

According to my college girlfriend I was so commitment phobic that I couldn’t even spell ‘commitment.’   In my defense, this is a hard word to spell.  However, she did have a point.  Without going into my whole dating history, suffice it to say I didn’t have a lot of long-term relationships, with the above mentioned an exception.  And that break-up in my mid-twenties was so disastrous (for both of us) that I vowed to do things differently moving forward.   More than anything I didn’t know what I wanted, and we kept breaking up and getting back together over a period of many years.  When it finally ended it wasn’t pretty.  In fact, one day I returned home to find all of my things on the front lawn, with more being tossed out of the window.   We have since forgiven each other, and to this day remain great friends.

By my late-twenties and early thirties I finally realized that the dating ‘game’ had intensified especially for the women I was dating.  By early thirties they started to realize that if they were to have children it was incumbent to get started.  While ‘hanging out’ might be fine in one’s twenties, the thirties were different.  The clock was ticking, and time was working against them.  Given my heavy ‘indecisiveness’ around women and my history of the prolonged break-up, I finally came up with an approach that kind of worked.  Since ambiguity was the enemy of decisiveness, at the end of a year, I decided that there were only really two answers to whether or not I should stay with a woman.  Either ‘yes’ I wanted to marry her and have children, or ‘no’ I didn’t.   And here was the killer part of the app – “I don’t know…” after a year automatically got put into the ‘no’ category.  Not to know was okay, however it was not okay to not know and prolong the relationship.  Now keep in mind this wasn’t a rigid formula where I calendared in the one year mark and then at 12 midnight sat down – it was more of a directional thrust that let me know I couldn’t stay in a relationship in my thirties for multiple years and still be in doubt.

One night after a particularly rough patch of dating (including being ghosted in the airport while holding a dozen roses) I was talking to a close female friend (though not a girl-friend). She asked me about dating, and I replied – “I am so tired of playing games; I’m really ready to meet someone and settle down.”   A minute later the conversation ended, and we hung up.  The phone rang again, and I figured my friend had one more thing to share.  Instead I heard a female voice I didn’t recognize - “Jonathan, is that you?  This is Lisa; not sure if you remember me but we met at a party about a month ago…”  And, yes, I remembered this lovely woman who I had met at a party a while back.  She was an art student and a runner; she had ended up at that party (a World Series game) almost by accident, as had I.

In any case, my ears perked up.  I had just said out loud for the universe to provide me with a wife and a woman who I had found very intriguing calls me.  For the record, this was the only woman who had ever called me to invite me out on a date, and it turns out it was her first-time initiating calling someone as well.  The conversation progressed and I invited her to meet me in Mill Valley for a run the following weekend.

A romance ensued and we eventually got married.   Here is the critical part of the story, though.  And men listen up.  Like my other relationships, about a year out I started to still have doubts – there were some things she did that annoyed me, she was an artist and I didn’t know anything about art, I was an avid reader and student of history, and she was not.  This time, however, something felt different.  We eventually went to some inter-personal workshops together and discovered how to learn and grow together on our journey.  We also learned, though I am not sure consciously, that we could heal the wounds we carried from our childhood.  It was not that my doubts went away entirely; it was just that I was at the point in my life where I started to realize that I may never get to the love, ease and life I wanted unless I was willing to do something different.

I am happy to share that we have a great marriage, and that 28 years later the growth, depth and joy we have created with each other and through raising our children has been one of the greatest joys and accomplishments of my life.  Yes, there have been challenges, and there have been some hard times, yet my life was made forever richer through saying ‘yes’ to my bride.  Marrying Lisa was the best decision I ever made.

Commentary

I have coached many men who have commitment fears or were unwilling to commit to a relationship even when it was obvious (to everyone else) that this was a fantastic match.   Here is what I’ve come to learn.  What we all seek – love, freedom, joy – can only arise in a romantic relationship or coupling when we are ‘all in.’   Ironically the closer we get to trying to be ‘all in’ the more our inner voices rebel and try to find fault with the other person.  It is only by ‘crossing the river’ and not staying on the shores of ‘doubt’ that we have any chance of getting to the place we seek.  In my life, the very things I wanted – a sense of freedom to be me, the opportunity to grow, the chance to experience joy and belong – all of these things started to manifest ONLY when I crossed the river, committed to my love, and was fully in. 

Many ask “how will I know when its right?”  First off, keep in mind that no one is perfect.  If you have any doubts, look at yourself in the mirror and reflect on your short comings.  Get the point?  You are looking for perfection in the ‘other’ yet you yourself aren’t perfect.  Go figure!

Another way to know you are ready and that this person might be right (as a partner on your journey) is when you stop trying to ‘fix them’ and start just loving them as they are.  In fact, one of the biggest shifts for me in married life was to experience some of the things that used to bug me about my wife I started to get joy from.   Interestingly, when I truly started loving these things, and stopped trying to ‘fix her’ some of these things started to change on their own, and the rest I simply continue to love.

Not every relationship is meant to be ‘forever’ and not everyone is meant to be a lifelong partner.  However, don’t look for perfection in your partner.  Find someone with whom you share a commitment to core values, someone who makes you laugh, someone you are attracted to, and who is open to growth.  When you have this, go all in in, and get on your way. 

 Questions (Your Commentary)

·        If you are married or in a committed relationship, what is it you love most about your partner?  What challenges you the most about your partner?

·        Every relationship has a sacred purpose.  For my wife and me it was about healing certain childhood wounds in which we didn’t feel fully seen.  What is the sacred purpose of your relationship?  [I encourage you to talk with your significant other about this too.]

·        What are some of the unspoken agreements in your relationship?  Unspoken agreements are those things that are boundaries that you have set up with each other but never overtly articulated.  These agreements aren’t good or bad; it’s just that bringing them to consciousness can be helpful.  Examples of unspoken agreements are – “we won’t fight in public”; “We will consult each other when making large purchases”, etc.  What are some of the unspoken agreements in your relationship?  And if you don’t know, just exploring this together with your partner may be highly informative.

·        What is it you need to shift in yourself to be happier in the relationship you currently are in?  Put another way, where do your expectations, needs or ways of being in relationship not serve you or your partner?  What could you do differently?

·        If you are not in a committed relationship but want to be, what have you learned to date about romantic partnerships?  What are the qualities you MUST have in a partner in order to thrive?  (make sure this list isn’t too long) What are the qualities or characteristics that would be nice to have?  How do you need to authentically show up to attract the person you want as a lifelong partner?